Love awakens

How one shy nerd came to know Christ and dedicated his life to Him through love

 Michael was born to a former catholic priest and a teacher in one medium sized city on the borders between Bohemia and Moravia, Czech Republic. Shortly after he saw the sunlight for the first time, their family moved from their current home in south of Moravia to the opposite part of state – southwest of Bohemia.

He was baptized not very long before that – only two months after his mother gave him birth. He adopted another name after his patron there: George.

His childhood was… casual. Not ideal, not terrible. His parents tried their best to bring him up in fear of God – but were having less and less success with that as he aged. Also, four more brothers accompanied him over time, so their attention was splitting more and more. Michael doesn´t blame them of letting him grow in habitual faith only – he is rather grateful for all foundations that they managed to help God build in his heart, which Jesus could later build upon. And for raising him in the church that Christ founded.

 But it could have indeed been approached better. Merely attending Mass every Sunday (oh, how anxious he felt whenever he realized that today is the day when they go to church) is by no means enough, when your relationship with Christ is at freezing point. Sometimes, usually after another boring Mass ended, he wondered, whether shouldn’t he at least pray or something. He knew deep in his heart, that this is not enough, that this is not right. But he was weak; instead of really trying to work on that, he just told to himself: „Nah. That´s too hard for me. How could I possibly start living like those saints who pray all the time, fast, don´t live like majority of other and commit their lives to God? It seems like I should do it, according to what I hear in the church – but it´s not for me.“

He never really liked to pray. For him, prayer was void. He knew few prayers by heart – his parents made sure of that -, but they were just words that he had to mindlessly repeat. He almost never even opened the Bible by himself! No one offered to read it with him, and alone he just had no chance to understand it. These texts were difficult, sometimes weird and boring. God´s Word was just another book for him, and not the one he would like to read on his own in addition.

And how about confession? Michael always tried to include all the sins he could think of. His confessions were acceptable from technical perspective, but much less from moral perspective. He didn´t see confession as what it is – a tool of God´s inexhaustible grace, which cleans our soul from all the stains and burden that sin brings into it. No. He didn´t give it nearly as much importance as it really deserves. For him, it was just a ritual, something that one must undergo to be able to participate in Holy Communion.

Not that Holy Communion were something extra special to him anyways. The sacrament which allows us the most intimate connection with Jesus possible here in this life – nothing special. Just give it to me, I´ll eat it, pray my learned prayer and be done with it for the next week. That was basically his point of view. It is true that bit of sincerity was present there. However, it was not enough.

God was completely impersonal to Michael. He did not even have any particular idea about Him. The closest would probably be the old, senile man with a long beard, who just sits on His cloud and watches us. And Jesus and Holy Spirit? Holy Spirit – just some vague concept, about which he didn´t even know what to think. So he chose to think nothing. And Jesus – a complete stranger. Despite him being baptized and receiving Holy Communion regularly, Jesus was just a figure fading in the fog. We cannot speak about relationship of any sort here. He knows that Jesus never abandoned him now. But Michael definitely abandoned Him.

Michael has never had many friends – and the fact that he was being homeschooled until secondary school didn´t exactly help it either. And it even decreased gradually, as he was getting older and older. Despite giving very high importance to what he called „true friendship“(he even thought that it can be deeper than romantic love for some time), he was utterly unable to actually get such one. He didn´t have enough opportunities to hone his social skills, so, naturally, he became shy and quiet (even though he was surprisingly talkative and friendly in kindergarten, which he did attend).

And, on the top of all that, he fell into the dark pit of porn addiction. Screen became his true friend, which he so longed for, but could not find in real life. He would spend entire evenings locked in bathroom masturbating to nastier and nastier things, letting it damage his brain and mainly soul severely.

After hearing that, we cannot really wonder, that he did not ever speak about his religion with any of his classmates, friends, and rarely family members. Nor did he make the sign of cross in the public. Nobody would guess that this guy is a christian. This swearing, shy, unconfident, boring, very rarely smiling nerd? No way.

And his poor parents? Father appeared to not care much, but his mom was concerned. She indeed saw her oldest son, initially so nice, turn into indifferent, rude, cheeky, ungrateful addict.

That was an unsustainable situation. Luckily, even though he didn´t know it until that unforgettable summer in his 17s, Savior was already on His way.

That summer started just like any other summer he had until then. He received his school report (not exactly outstanding) and set off to two months of freedom with absolutely no plans. Maybe except for masturbating every day, even more than usually. That was perhaps, what he anticipated the most. Also, more time for computer and phone overall. No plans to go out with some friends, no camps, no retreats whatsoever. The only trip that his parents prepared for the family, was the annual visit of grandparents. And that´s precisely where that extraordinary series of events (as far as he can see) that led to his awakening began.

The visit started, and it felt just like always. Enough of good food, high temperatures, occasionally some visit from parents´ old friends, and a lot of free time – therefore boredom and not much to do – except for digital entertainment. So Michael watched, besides porn, an anime series, just browsed the web, played some games and watched YouTube videos.

And there, through YouTube, God finally had enough of Michael´s ignorance, and intervened.

He was just watching some random videos, and, out of nowhere, some video, completely unrelated to what he was watching recently, showed up in his recommendations.

The only word he can remember from its title is “porn”. That, of course, was interesting for him – so he clicked on it (yeah, that´s how twisted his thinking was). But, to his surprise, the video didn´t contain single second of porn. Instead, it focused on the disadvantages of porn.

And Michael was shocked. That was the first time he heard how harmful porn actually is! And the video put it in very persuasive way. Despite it having about 20 minutes, Michael just couldn´t remove his eyes from the screen. After that, he wanted to confirm that, so he started another video with similar topic. And this video said the exact same thing! Third, fourth and fifth one as well.

This experience planted a seed of doubt inside him. After such a long time of believing that porn couldn't hurt anyone, he suddenly realized that it could actually hurt everyone.

His vacation was no longer peaceful and boring. His main entertainment lost its until then firm foundation. He checked the symptoms that were ascribed to pornography addiction – and was astonished to find out that it fits what he really was experiencing. He just never connected it together.

That was very disturbing indeed. Michael also found out about one website, which hosts forums and resources for porn addicts, called “NoFap” and decided to try to get rid of the addiction using its method.

So, as soon as they returned home, he jumped right into abstinence. He lasted two full days and on day three he fell, didn´t even know how. That left him frustrated and discouraged – and instead of bracing up and trying again, he gave up on it and excused continuing by saying to himself: “Huh, that´s way harder than I thought. I am not strong enough to make it by myself overnight. Let´s try to do it gradually – just lower its frequency first and I´ll eventually make it somehow.”

So he fell back into the dark pit of addiction. Naturally, promise like that didn´t accomplish anything and Michael slowly became reconciled with his situation. Porn had too firm grip on him, and he was way too weak to ever defeat this beast by himself.

That was the first time when God threw him a lifebuoy – but Michael failed miserably in catching it. But did God let Himself be discouraged from further attempts by that?

By no means.

Few days after they returned from the visit, Michael´s parents decided that they didn´t attend Mass for way too long and took all kids to one church in nearby city. Michael wasn´t exactly thrilled by that idea, but there was no point in resisting.

The church they went to wasn´t the one they would usually attend, but one that was open only during holidays or special occasions. They arrived late, so they stayed in the back through the entire Mass.

Michael doesn´t remember single moment from that Mass; actually, he didn´t even remember how did it look inside. That´s because something else catched his attention – he spotted familiar figure on the edge of one of the first pews.

He thought: “Wait… I think I recognize that person… Could that be… her?”  And indeed, in that exact moment she turned her head a little, and his guess was confirmed – it was one of his friends.

All of the sudden, he forgot about the Mass and started processing that finding. Their friendship was rather formal, they didn´t speak much to each other, but they got to see each other quite often. And, even though they met few years ago, Michael had no clue that she was catholic as well. He never heard her speaking about that. It´s true that her behavior was strangely nice, but at the same time she was incredibly inconspicuous, so that idea never crossed his mind.

And now, here she was. In the same church as him, at the same Mass (that was the first time Michael could remember going to that particular church, plus, as he learned later, Mass was held there only one day per week – very odd to be just a coincidence), sitting in front, singing and praying like a seasoned churchgoer.

Michael stared at her whole Mass. And he continued wondering even after that Mass ended. “So I DO have some fellow catholics among my friends after all. Now that´s really interesting. And what´s more - there´s something about her that attracts me! And, if she really is as strong in her faith as I think, she could certainly be appropriate partner for me. Girls like that are hard to find nowadays. Besides, I am 17 already and still haven´t had any serious relationship. Maybe I should contact her and ask her out…?”

But, not surprisingly, his lack of confidence didn´t allow him to actually make that happen. “We will see later on,” that´s how he justified his inactivity to himself. He hadn't met her for the rest of the summer and let that idea to fade into background.

Summer passed, and Michael returned to his normal school routine; that also meant that he started seeing his friend again. He didn´t change anything in his behavior towards her, but deep inside, he certainly felt different in her presence.

And, few weeks into school year, God struck with His mighty hand again.

Many people from around Michael´s age, with couple of his friends among them too, were gathered together that day. The time for lunch came, and people began to disappear to eat. Michael, as always, stayed at the place, since he was incredibly picky, so he just brought his own food from home every time.

Usually, he wasn´t alone during this 30 minutes. There were couple other people who didn´t go to lunch for various reasons, which he (most of the time) silently shared the room. But this day was different. This day, everyone left. Except for, yes, you guess right, his “church friend”. Which was an unique situation for sure – she stayed there very rarely, and in the past always with some other people. Situation like this, where they would stay alone together, never happened before nor after.

Michael didn´t know what to do, so he kept his distance and started doing something on his own, pretty much ignoring her being there too (only on the surface though). Suddenly, something even more surprising than the fact that everyone else left happened – she spoke at him, all by herself.

Michael didn´t understand what´s happening. Nobody, except for those few which he talked with regularly, just started talking with him without any particular request, just like that, as far as he could remember. That was something new for Michael.

Luckily, he didn´t spoil her attempt for conversation by some curt answer. So here they were, just two of them, having nice conversation with each other. Michael was baffled by sincerity of her interest. That´s something he was by no means used to.

After that, he didn´t know what to do. The smoldering interest in her deep inside him started burning. Very weakly, but undeniably. Was that some kind of sign? It was confusing indeed.

After some harsh discernment, Michael decided for courageous step – asking her out. And believe me, this decision surprised even him.

So, he took his phone and sent her a message – first in two years they have been friends on facebook –, would-be casually asking her whether wouldn´t she by any chance find some time to go somewhere out with him.

She replied (Michael considered that alone a success)! At first, negatively. She didn´t have time (she was actually pretty busy overall). But Michael´s determination became unshakable (unless he would be explicitly refused by her, which didn´t happen). He kept in touch with her, asking here and there again and again, until they managed to agree on one Sunday.

And once more, God manifested His care in an amazing way. There was a Capuchin (one branch of the religious order of Franciscans) monastery in the town, and in it one youth group was meeting on some Saturdays. There were not many of them, and they were in need of more members.

 And one day before their planned meeting, one of the brothers Capuchins, named Peter, suddenly got the idea to invite Michael and his brothers to that meeting they had that Saturday (he knew his family). They were meeting for long time already, Peter knew Michael´s family for some time as well, and he decided to invite them on this exact evening. He even arrived with a car, offering to drive them there.

That was highly unexpected. Michael would usually decline such offer – but this time, he felt oddly drawn to go. So he and two of his younger brothers accepted brother Peter´s offer.

 In the car, Peter mentioned that someone with the same name as Michael´s friend also started attending this group recently. „Could that be…?“

And, sure enough, it was her. As Michael entered the room, his heart started beating at faster rate, as he catched her surprised look. She also didn´t know about him being a catholic (Michael was not surprised by that fact) before. This gave Michael the hook he needed to bring up the topic of faith, which he didn´t get to discuss with her yet.

Next day they met as planned, and had great time together. They scheduled another meeting for next weekend. And Michael now knew that he liked her. She was interesting, beautiful, willing to talk, nice, devout to Jesus… And showed no sign of having enough of him, even after hour and half with him. So Michael let that little flame in him to burn freely.

They started meeting regularly. When in bigger group, Michael would gaze at her very often, trying to see if she would smile back (then sometimes hurriedly looking away when she seemed to turn her eyes at him, trying not to look too obtrusive). As he started liking her more, he also was becoming more and more confused. „Do I love her? Nah, it´s not that strong… So why do I have to think about her constantly???“ These considerations were torturing him day and night.

As he now knew that she was serious about her faith, he could no longer stay apathetic about his own. He knew enough about catholic relationship (or at least exemplary one, which he naturally wanted to have) to realize that if they were to date, he had to grow in his faith. Dramatically. Otherwise, he could just return to his masturbation and loneliness routine. Because his faith was ridiculously weak compared to hers.

Plus, he was still addicted to pornography. This he knew for sure: she didn´t deserve porn addict as a partner. No woman does. Should he keep building their relationship, staying an addict was not an option. In such state, Michael would never dare to think he could be a suitable partner for anyone.

So that motivated him to renew his oath to get rid of his addiction. Michael swore to stop for good. And suddenly – it was possible! This was the motivation he so desperately needed.

 What did that also motivate him to do, was to start working on his religiosity. He started paying attention to what was happening during the Mass. His confessions finally started including real repentance. He started transforming his overall behavior. He even started praying every evening, using his own words!

And, through all that prayer, Mass attendance, interest in church and christianity overall, Michael entered into relationship with Jesus Christ. He doesn´t even know how precisely did it start, nor did he expect anything like that initially. But one thing is certain – this encounter turned his whole life upside down.

The undescribable love of Christ started tranforming Michael´s behavior, thinking, heart, realtionships, soul, everything. It provided indestructible foundation for his already hopeful porn abstinence, thanks to which he was able to uphold this commitment until the desire to masturbate ceased. He found hope, real faith, and, most importantly, God´s love. Many people noticed this complete transformation of Michael´s life. As Jesus was becoming the center of his life, his life was finally worth living.

All went great. Not that he didn´t have to face any problems – far from that. But the unlimited love of Jesus upheld him above all of them.

Michael included the subject of whether he should be with his friend or not to his prayers. And, after few evenings of intense discernment, he found out that he does feel very special about her and could imagine spending rest of his life with her. That is, he fell in love with her. He began to seek an opportunity to tell her.

Month passed, then another one, and Christmas were almost there. Michael started wondering, what to give his friend. He knew that she wouldn´t want anything expensive – he would rather give her something unique.

And that´s where the idea to combine that gift with expressing love to her emerged. And, relatively fast, he even knew how will he do that – he will write her love poem. He had no idea how to do it, but knew that he was quite skilled in writing, so it is going to work out somehow. And indeed – even before he took a paper to his hand, handful of usable verses popped to his mind. So writing it was not a problem after all – he just let his heart speak in the poem.

Michael then bought nice candle with an angel for the gift not to look too flat, wrapped it up and was content that it´s finished. He only needed to wait now.

They met for the last time before Christmas, and Michael gave her the gift. She gave him on too; some Christmas tea, a gingerbread, and a candle with a Bible verse stuck to the bottom. That one was the first one Michael learned by heart, by the way. It was John 1: 5-6 – „He was the life, and the life was the light of man. And the light shines, darkness did not devour it.“

The most anxious waiting of his life began.

Christmas Eve came, and Michael was tensed to his limits. Yet still, he chose not to learn her answer through facebook, so he wrote her in advance, that he wants her not to react until they meet. She understood and they made an arrangement on next week.

Not long before they were to meet, he went to one more Mass with his family. And guess what did they read there? That pair of verses she gave him on the bottom of the candle! Michael perceived that as a hopeful sign.

Then the day finally came. Michael was torn between anticipation and fear. Not even praying could calm him down for longer period of time. H-hour arrived and he hopped on the bus. Before the bus arrived, he entrusted the course of the meeting to God. „Thy will be done.“

She was taking her time. Michael was determined to wait. But some premature ideas were entering his mind anyway. Luckily, before he could make anything he would regret later, she showed up.

They began walking to the calmer part of the town. She tried to talk about some unimportant matters to ease up the atmosphere. Michael was utterly unable to keep calm at this point. But he tried his best at least not to make her feel uncomfortable. They got to the town´s outskirts. She suddenly became serious and started talking.

She thanked him for the poem, told him that she was surprised by it (so he wasn´t as incredibly obvious as he thought in the end). Then she asked him, if he feels ready for relationship. Even though Michael thought he was, suddenly he just couldn´t give her straight answer. He said something like: „We can find out together…“

That probably just assured her that he was not (and he really was not, as he realized later), so she went on. She pointed out that Michael wasn´t on the same level as her (didn´t specify it, but what she meant was more than obvious; his faith was still way weaker than hers). These were valid points. She said it in a nice, but firm manner. Any arguments would be pointless.

Michael wasn´t happy about it, obviously. But it was neither end of the world for him. What he said earlier, he really meant that way: what is supposed to happen, will happen. So this was the outcome – Michael accepted it.

They returned and finished their meeting with a Mass that she wanted to attend; Michael left in the middle of it, because he had to jump on his bus back home. They parted their ways in friendly attitude.

So Michael´s hope to finally be in serious relationship didn´t come to its fulfillment in the end.

... Or did it...?

If we think about it, actually yes, it did! Just instead of entering a fragile, uncertain relationship with a woman, he entered unbreakable relationship with the living God, a relationship that changed his whole life forever.

The love that in the beginning started burning for Michael´s friend was in the end transformed into love for Jesus. Something that was surprising for everyone around, and for him the most. But it was the most pleasant surprise Michael could ever wish for.

And how about his friend? Luckily, this first period concluded peacefully - so they could continue as friends. And remember what I told you about his craving for real friendship? Even though he didn´t feel lonely anymore, Michael still didn´t have any friend that would be close to him. And she became exactly that! Michael couldn´t be happier. A whole new phase of his life has just begun.

We arrived to the end of our story. I hope that this story about my good friend Michael didn´t bore you. Thank you for reading to this point!

He wanted me to tell you one last thing, before you close this window and start forgetting about what you just read:

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